Funeral Etiquette in the Modern World (Without Panicking About Getting It Wrong)
by Steve Pritchard-Jones
Let’s be honest… many people feel surprisingly anxious about going to funerals. 😬
Not because they don’t care — but because they worry:
👔 What do I wear?
💬 What do I say?
🪑 Where do I sit?
🎵 Do I have to sing?
😢 What if I cry?
😂 What if I laugh?
📱 What if my phone goes off playing Dancing Queen?
(For the love of all things sacred… turn it off. 😅)
Funerals can feel full of invisible rules, and many people are terrified of making some dreadful social misstep.
The good news?
✨ Modern funeral etiquette is much less about rigid rules and much more about one simple principle:
Don’t be a nuisance. Be kind.
🌿 First Things First: Yes, You Should Probably Go
People often say:
“I didn’t know whether I should attend…”
If you’re wondering whether your presence would matter — it probably would.
Funerals aren’t only for immediate family. They are for:
🤝 Friends
🏡 Neighbours
☕ Old workmates
🎶 Choir members
🍺 Pub companions
🐕 Dog-walking acquaintances
…and even the man who borrowed a lawnmower in 1987 and never returned it.
Showing up matters.
You do not need eloquent words.
Sometimes your presence simply says:
❤️ This life mattered.
And that’s no small thing.
👗 What Should You Wear?
Ah yes.
The great funeral wardrobe panic.
Traditionally:
⚫ Black
⚫ Sombre
⚫ Respectful
Still perfectly fine.
But modern funerals may say:
🌈 “No black please”
💐 “Wear bright colours”
⚽ “Wear a football shirt”
🌺 “Please wear Hawaiian shirts in memory of Dad”
And suddenly people panic.
“Can I wear orange trousers to a funeral?”
If the family asked for orange trousers…
Yes. 😄
(Though perhaps avoid fluorescent clown shoes unless specifically requested.)
Rule of thumb:
✔️ Dress for the tone of the occasion.
Respectful doesn’t always mean gloomy.
And just between us…
“Smart casual” does not mean the T-shirt saying
🎮 I Paused My Game To Be Here.
⏰ Arrive on Time. Really.
A funeral is one event where fashionably late is not a thing.
10–15 minutes early is ideal.
Sliding in halfway through a eulogy, knocking over the order of service stand and whispering:
“Have they started?”
…is not ideal.
(Yes. They have.)
And if there is a procession behind the hearse…
🚗 Do not overtake it.
This should not need saying.
And yet.
💛 What Do I Say to the Family?
People fear this more than almost anything.
Truthfully?
Simple is best.
💬 “I’m so sorry.”
💬 “He was such a lovely man.”
💬 “She’ll be so missed.”
💬 “That caravan story still makes me laugh.”
Perfect.
What not to say:
❌ “Everything happens for a reason.”
❌ “At least they’re in a better place.”
❌ “He had a good innings.”
And especially not:
“I’m here if you need anything…”
…when you secretly hope they won’t ask.
Offer something real instead:
🍲 “I can bring a meal Tuesday.”
🌱 “I’ll cut the grass this week.”
📄 “I can help with paperwork.”
Practical kindness is gold.
🕊️ During the Service
Follow the room.
Some funerals are solemn.
Some are full of laughter.
Some somehow manage both in the same ten minutes.
All are valid.
😢 You may cry.
😂 You may laugh at a funny story.
Both are human.
🎤 If there’s communal singing…
Do your best.
Even if your best sounds alarming.
The deceased probably knew. 😄
📱 Mobile Phones: Let Us Speak Plainly
Turn.
It.
Off.
Not silent.
Off.
Because if your ringtone erupts with Eye of the Tiger during the committal…
History may remember you.
And not kindly.
📸 About Photos & Social Media…
A funeral is not content.
Please avoid:
❌ “Funeral vibes today xx 🖤”
❌ Selfies by the coffin
❌ Graveside Instagram stories
❌ “Lovely service ❤️”
Please.
Just… no.
Let grief remain human, not performative.
👶 Children at Funerals?
Yes — children can come.
Often they should.
Prepare them.
Explain what will happen.
And if a toddler loudly asks:
“Why is everyone crying?”
during the prayers…
Well…
That may be the truest thing said all day. 💛
🥪 The Wake: Where Etiquette Relaxes Slightly
This is where the stories begin.
And often where the person truly reappears.
Someone always says:
“Did you know about the ferret incident in Blackpool?”
…and suddenly a whole hidden chapter emerges.
Stay if you can.
Listen.
Tell stories.
Eat the sandwiches.
(There is always one plate of egg mayonnaise nobody touches until desperation sets in. 😂)
And remember:
Laughter at a wake is not betrayal.
It is grief breathing.
🚫 Things Not To Do
Public service announcement:
Please don’t…
• Critique the flowers 💐
• Compare funerals 😬
• Mention Uncle Barry’s cremation during the service
• Ask loudly about the will 💷
• Use the funeral as networking time 🤦
• Slip away without speaking to family if you can help it
And absolutely never say:
“Well… that was lovely.”
People do.
Please don’t.
💖 The Truth About Funeral Etiquette
Here’s the secret:
Most etiquette boils down to this:
✨ Be considerate
✨ Be present
✨ Don’t make the day about you
That’s really it.
No one remembers if you sat in the “right” pew.
They remember:
Who came.
Who hugged them.
Who stood beside them.
Who made them smile through tears.
That is the real etiquette.
Everything else is detail.
One Final Thought 🌹
People worry they’ll get funerals wrong.
But funerals are rarely undone by imperfect behaviour.
They are upheld by human kindness.
So—
✔️ Wear what’s appropriate
✔️ Turn your phone off
✔️ Don’t overtake the hearse
✔️ Avoid funeral selfies
✔️ Eat the sandwiches
And above all—
Show up with warmth.
Because in the end, good funeral etiquette isn’t really about rules.
It’s really all about love… ❤️
…with just enough punctuality to avoid arriving during the eulogy. ⏰😄
Steve Pritchard-Jones
Celebrant
Top Note Ceremonies
